I miss them

I miss them.  I miss them more than anyone could possibly miss someone they met for only a day or two and couldn't even speak their language.  My heart longs for them.  I find myself staring at their pictures and smiling!

Proof Positive

I must really belong in Africa... today I pulled out on the road and was driving on the left side.  I didn't even realize I had done that until the person in on coming traffic pulled over and watched me go by.  Bless their heart, they were so nice about it.  Didn't even give me the finger or honk the "hooter".

3:00am

That's the time I officially gave up trying to sleep and got out of bed this morning.  Go ahead and just stop reading now.  I have nothing to say, just rambling.  I have had a productive pre-dawn, though.  I loaded all the software onto the laptop and sorted through some more stuff and got a little packing done.  And all of it seems so worthless.  Do I like my computer? Sure. Can I live without it? In a heartbeat.  Same with the cell phone, same with my bed, my clothes, my car, everything.  And you know what?  I think I'd be much happier.  But how do you do that in this society? My adjustment from Africa was oddly way too easy, and I think it's catching up to me now.  First there was the days of traveling to get back, the bizarreness of airports and shopping, then the catching up with friends and family, loading pictures, packing for Portland.  And I haven't really spent any time thinking about where I am, what I am doing and what I just came from.  It's like the busyness of my life all the time and how I jump from one all consuming thing to the next with no time to process any of it.  Of course I can appreciate being back in the familiar of home and able to see my friends and family who I love, but I'm not going to lie: I would have stayed in Malawi if I could, and I'm craving to go back already.  I've been so over America for so long and traveling internationally can definitely accentuate just exactly how we are viewed by others.  And this just in: it ain't pretty.  I'm tired of being so self-absorbed.  I'm tired of American Christianity.  I'm damn tired of American politics.  I'm also just plain tired.  Moving to Portland has been something exciting for me to look forward to for the last few months, but suddenly I'm kinda over that, too.  I'm still going, of course, heck I already quit my job here weeks ago.  But I just feel like even that is nothing but all about me and although I can live a greener lifestyle it's still not enough.  I want to quit thinking about the unimportant things altogether and focus on justice.  Real justice, not just making some changes in America, but actually using my hands and my feet to make a direct impact on someone's life.  The true work, action, love of Jesus. There is so much to be done if we are willing.  I am willing.  Lord, please send me!

Waiting

I'll be here for the next 10 days!

One for the shower

Yesterday we were talking about this crazy idea in Africa where a man can be cured of AIDS by having sex with a virgin and therefore "passing" it to her. I was saying how I didn't understand why a myth like this could go on and on, since it obviously would never actually work. It got me thinking about technology and wondering if they had better access to the Internet, like how we run to Google every five seconds to answer anything and everything, if stuff like this would dissolve (obviously education plays a huge role as well). But I could see how not having access to world wide information 24/7 that you would still be telling and re-telling old stories... and we all know how those end up. Maybe I should go take a shower and think about this some more? According to one of the guys downtown the other night you think better in the shower because there is more oxygen. Yeah! I'll be Googling that one for sure!

[Updated to add: Bush has been traveling in Africa this week and I was very excited to hear on NPR this morning that he promised Liberia educational help! "The president is announcing that the U.S. aid will provide 1 million textbooks to children by the start of the next school year and desks and seating for 10,000 students." Such great news!]

Beautiful mess

I can't seem to complete a thought these days, let alone write a coherent post. The last two weeks have been particularly insane, and now that they are behind me I'm just thankful to have gotten through them alive. I know I am dramatic sometimes, but literally, glad to be alive.

Something I'm struggling with right now is asking those around me for prayer and guidance. (There is SO MUCH going on I feel like I'm moving from one crisis to the next with just enough mundane work in between that I'm able to climb off the edge for a few hours each day.) Because first of all, I can't even believe the crap that's going down, so how do I expect someone else to? I mean really, I don't need my friends thinking I should be on Jerry Springer. Secondly, and the thing I'm having the hardest time with, I feel like there is just so much that it's a burden on others to involve them. Like I just need so much prayer it would take all day. Thank God for Andrea, she listens to me and my crazy life all the time. I don't know what I'd do without her.

But then I get glimpses of God moving and answering prayers. Today, like every weekend over the last couple of months, a very good friend of mine met with me to pray for Malawi. It has been such a powerful experience. Every anxiety I had and all of my nervousness about the mission has been replaced with peace for the last few weeks. Things I thought I couldn't get through, He got me through. And now? I am going to Africa and I cannot wait to get to work! And I've been praying for months now that God place people in my life for specific things, and He has totally done that! I could list so many names and how they've changed my life, and most of them would never even have known how they were being used by God to help me overcome some junk in my life. And even that blows me away! Seeing how God so intricately weaves us together and uses us to refine each other is beautiful in and of itself.

He has already answered prayers. His faithfulness amazes me! So why am I having a hard time with asking for help? I know one of my problems is that there is one biggie that I feel He's not going to do what I want, and that just plain scares me. I'm having a hard time wrapping my heart around the fact that He won't just intervene and change the course of this person's life. I'm just not there yet with being able to pray for His will to be done in this situation... and mean it. And unfortunately, I may have to come to terms with that much sooner than I wish.

Hello, I'm Katie. I cry 27,000 times more tears than the average human being.

So, my new friend, Lindsey, is reading The Irresistible Revolution. A book that changed my life. She emailed me a quote from it the other day, "Rather than waiting for God's special plan for your life - you should just go find where God is at work and join in." This is such good advice! I think too often I've been waiting for some crystal clear sign that God wants me here or there, doing specifically this or that, and while I'm waiting I get distracted and end up doing nothing.

I went to the first Africa team meeting this weekend. I cried almost the entire time. But, I also had this relief from the fear that I am not good enough to go there. I know I will be used. Everything has fallen into place effortlessly, and I trust that He has work for me to do on this mission.

As the saying goes, "Practice makes perfect." I'm committed to doing something until I figure it out, and maybe that is all God was waiting for.