3:00am

That's the time I officially gave up trying to sleep and got out of bed this morning.  Go ahead and just stop reading now.  I have nothing to say, just rambling.  I have had a productive pre-dawn, though.  I loaded all the software onto the laptop and sorted through some more stuff and got a little packing done.  And all of it seems so worthless.  Do I like my computer? Sure. Can I live without it? In a heartbeat.  Same with the cell phone, same with my bed, my clothes, my car, everything.  And you know what?  I think I'd be much happier.  But how do you do that in this society? My adjustment from Africa was oddly way too easy, and I think it's catching up to me now.  First there was the days of traveling to get back, the bizarreness of airports and shopping, then the catching up with friends and family, loading pictures, packing for Portland.  And I haven't really spent any time thinking about where I am, what I am doing and what I just came from.  It's like the busyness of my life all the time and how I jump from one all consuming thing to the next with no time to process any of it.  Of course I can appreciate being back in the familiar of home and able to see my friends and family who I love, but I'm not going to lie: I would have stayed in Malawi if I could, and I'm craving to go back already.  I've been so over America for so long and traveling internationally can definitely accentuate just exactly how we are viewed by others.  And this just in: it ain't pretty.  I'm tired of being so self-absorbed.  I'm tired of American Christianity.  I'm damn tired of American politics.  I'm also just plain tired.  Moving to Portland has been something exciting for me to look forward to for the last few months, but suddenly I'm kinda over that, too.  I'm still going, of course, heck I already quit my job here weeks ago.  But I just feel like even that is nothing but all about me and although I can live a greener lifestyle it's still not enough.  I want to quit thinking about the unimportant things altogether and focus on justice.  Real justice, not just making some changes in America, but actually using my hands and my feet to make a direct impact on someone's life.  The true work, action, love of Jesus. There is so much to be done if we are willing.  I am willing.  Lord, please send me!