Beautiful mess

I can't seem to complete a thought these days, let alone write a coherent post. The last two weeks have been particularly insane, and now that they are behind me I'm just thankful to have gotten through them alive. I know I am dramatic sometimes, but literally, glad to be alive.

Something I'm struggling with right now is asking those around me for prayer and guidance. (There is SO MUCH going on I feel like I'm moving from one crisis to the next with just enough mundane work in between that I'm able to climb off the edge for a few hours each day.) Because first of all, I can't even believe the crap that's going down, so how do I expect someone else to? I mean really, I don't need my friends thinking I should be on Jerry Springer. Secondly, and the thing I'm having the hardest time with, I feel like there is just so much that it's a burden on others to involve them. Like I just need so much prayer it would take all day. Thank God for Andrea, she listens to me and my crazy life all the time. I don't know what I'd do without her.

But then I get glimpses of God moving and answering prayers. Today, like every weekend over the last couple of months, a very good friend of mine met with me to pray for Malawi. It has been such a powerful experience. Every anxiety I had and all of my nervousness about the mission has been replaced with peace for the last few weeks. Things I thought I couldn't get through, He got me through. And now? I am going to Africa and I cannot wait to get to work! And I've been praying for months now that God place people in my life for specific things, and He has totally done that! I could list so many names and how they've changed my life, and most of them would never even have known how they were being used by God to help me overcome some junk in my life. And even that blows me away! Seeing how God so intricately weaves us together and uses us to refine each other is beautiful in and of itself.

He has already answered prayers. His faithfulness amazes me! So why am I having a hard time with asking for help? I know one of my problems is that there is one biggie that I feel He's not going to do what I want, and that just plain scares me. I'm having a hard time wrapping my heart around the fact that He won't just intervene and change the course of this person's life. I'm just not there yet with being able to pray for His will to be done in this situation... and mean it. And unfortunately, I may have to come to terms with that much sooner than I wish.